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On the Brink of Insanity

As I have spoken in the past the mental affects of this Disease are sometimes are beyond description. When my sister was first having the symptoms they said it was all psychological, and she could stop anytime she wanted to. There is a psychological component to the disease, we know that because of what is going on during the dystonic storms, but it is more than that. After the storm has past and I have regained somewhat of a solid mental state that is when the mental part of this disease can really affect you. The feeling of worthlessness, and being a burden to those around you. I speak for myself here, I wonder why I am still here. It seems all I can do is cause frustration, worry, and sometimes I think to myself they are angry, better off without me. Depression is real,  a real mental problem.  It is not the pity party kind of depression, and I have had people tell me I should just get over it, but sometimes I feel like my life is just spinning out of control.
     Mental illness, at least in the state where I live, is kind of taken as a joke, and in turn treated that way, but mental issues are no different that physical ones they are real, but trying to convince anyone of it that is the issue. Yes I am depressed I am not the same goofy person that I was and people should not expect me to "just get over it". Until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes you should not judge what they should feel because in my case I have tried to get over it and it does not work that way! Just imagine for yourself, if you can, that today you woke up in a hospital and were told you would never be able to work again, and everything you loved to do was stripped away. how would you feel? can you even picture how you would feel? Yes we complain about our jobs, but if they were taken away we would complain about not being able to work, and any sports activities that you enjoyed were no longer at your disposal they were off limits would you be the same person that you were before all this happened? I know in my heart that there is a reason for this, but that does not exclude me from all of the side effects of having this disease. Exercise is one of the things that is discouraged with generalized dystonia things like playing Basketball, which I love to play, or soccer with the grandchildren. Dystonia changes who you are who you where you will never be the same, and I am learning to cope with it as well as the rest of my family. It may not be as fast as some would like, and sometimes yes it causes mood swings that I have no control over. My wife is trying to learn to deal with it because I am not the same husband that I used to be. I could help with the dishes all the time. When we first got married she would wash the dishes I would dry them and put them away. I could help with things that needed done around the house. that has all changed for her.
    Our basement now has flooded 3 times in the last 4 weeks it will start to get dry then it will rain again we have a basement full of things up stairs that just adds to the madness, and stress it one of the big things that causes dystonic storms, but I cannot help her put the sump pump in the basement to start to dry it out, when it does dry out I will not be able to help fix the basement put down the flooring, put up the sheet rock, move all of the furniture back down into the basement. That is my reality and that is my families reality. I can't just get over that it takes time, and for someone like me I guess it takes quite a lot of time because I am still not there I still struggle for answers, and yes sometimes I feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown because I do not know how to deal with all of this yet, but I know quite a few people, who do not have the disease, that know exactly how to deal with it! I have been told that born again Christians don't get depressed if that is the case than I am in trouble. anyone ever been discouraged? I would say most of us have at one time or another, and we need a little encouragement from time to time.
     I know that God has a plan through all of this, but I do not know what it is and sometimes it is a struggle, and God is not obligated to tell me why, but it also does not mean that the disease I have will not cause me to change or to be depressed sometimes a little encouragement goes along way, but we are mostly to busy to stop and encourage someone. We are too quick to judge when someone says something and we think they were trying to hurt us in some way, maybe just maybe they are hurting and what they said was a reflection of the hurt or struggle they are dealing with. Do not get angry, or take it personally instead encourage them
      I know I will probably talk about the mental aspects of this disease again, but these are my thoughts and it helps me to write what I feel. Just keep my family in prayer because one day it might be your family, and how would you want to be treated? yes I am depressed at the moment yes I am discouraged, but I have a savior who will bring me through he promised me that!
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