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The Dark Place

I had to go on disability three years ago today, and I was proficient in PHP, CSS, Python, Helped schools with WordPress issues, and set up and designed networks using DHCP  and also DNS worked with them helping with web design and front end and all of the backend work as well
   Dystonia does not allow me to use those skills that I worked so hard to perfect, and it feels like all the time and effort I put in was wasted because now I can do it if i could do it. There are some days that I am fine and feel like I could go back to work and resume right where I left off and then there are other days that I couldn't
    This is mentally taxing and discouraging knowing that you can do something, but not get the opportunity to do it. I actually loved what I was doing, and it was providing a decent living for my family, and now I cannot. I feel I have let them down because I am supposed to look out for them and there well being, but with everything getting so expensive I am not sure how long we will stay above water.
    I feel like I have much to offer, just nowhere to do it, and for me that is a hard place to be. Today mentally I am in the Dark Place that I have referred to that everyone tells me I should not go, but I cannot help it. My mind goes there anyway. I feel trapped. I could do so much, but I can't. Today is not a mentally healthy day I have many such days due to this disease and it causes stress which isn't good for Dystonia anyway.
    Alone is a good word for the day, sometimes with Dystonia you feel alone. I look around and see the hustle and people going here and there and doing different jobs, and I am stuck, or maybe moving back words I do not know. I know there will be people who read this and think that I should not ever feel this way, but it is what it is. With Dystonia the patient is the only one who knows what they are feeling, and sometimes you feel things and you cannot describe it.
   The feeling of being on an airplane knowing it is going to crash, because it is having more and more mechanical issues, but not enough to crash the plane just yet. It goes little by little and you feel eventually it will crash and that will be the end there will be no more trying, Just more pain as you look as the ground gets closer and there is nothing you can do to stop it, but wait. That is kind of the mental state that I have today, and these are some of the worst days because it affects everyone around you, but I cannot just snap out of it there is no magic that will remove my mind from this dark place, and if you are not in my position it cannot be understood.
   Disability had made me feel like an outcast because I wonder what good am I to society what can I bring to the table to help other people. Sometimes I cannot get out of bed.
   I know that there are people in worse positions than I am, but that does not change the mental state that I am in. I know that it will pass, but when Dystonia causes days like today it is rough, and I still after three years have not found a way to successfully deal with days like today.
   I have so many skills that I worked toward and cannot use any of them so I feel they are just wasted skills. Sorry to the readers that this is not an encouraging read, but a look into the Dark place that Dystonia can take you mentally, and I feel trapped. I know that it will pass, but I do not know when it is just a waiting game for me.

Comments

  1. I can empathize, I have a similar skill set, website coding and design. I've lived with Dystonia for about 40 years now, started with a barely noticeable tremor to full cervical dystonia aka spasomodic torticollis. There is that feeling of being an outcast, visibly different. Picking up contracts working from home helped, I couldn't function in an office environment. Will follow your blog, best of luck.

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