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Who and Where am I

I have not written about much in awhile, probably because I do not have much to say, but I can put into words what I am feeling much more than I can explain them to someone. This time of year "The Holidays", for me is a tough time.
  At one Time I had a Job so I could afford to give my grandchildren gifts, and see their faces when they opened them, and now it is difficult if not almost impossible to do so because everything goes up except my income.
  This year has been Particularly hard because I have had new symptoms arise and they can prevent me from attending family functions. One such symptom is lately I have been waking up, and I do not recognize my surroundings, and nothing that I see looks familiar, and it is a very frightening experience. I do not recognize my wife or anyone in my recent past for some reason my mind seems to be stuck on an age when I was around 4 to five. I can remember vividly seeing my grandpa, but he passed away about 37 years ago, but in my mind he is still here and I should be able to go see him. He taught me my Love for baseball and all the strategy that goes into it I was very close to him, and for some reason I exist there! this is a very new symptom, and one that is not physical, but mental my mind seems to be looking for something that it cannot find, and as with most everything I have no control over it. It can bring on a Dystonic storm and has, but the root cause is the mental stress that I have and when I have this feeling I get the urge to run and find something that I can find that is familiar to me.
  During these episodes my wife will show me pictures of mu children and grandchildren, but I do not recognize their pictures or there names all I can remember is I want to go home where my bunk beds are because that is where I am supposed to be, and if I do not somehow get back I am going to be in trouble because I am out way to late. My daughter, who still lives with us I recognize as my sister Melissa because they look much alike, but I take the glasses off of my daughter and the eyes are not that of my sisters so I know she is not my sister but I am unsure why she is in this house and why I am in the house with her.
   We live in my wife's grandparents house because they passed away and My wife's uncle promised his father he would not let the house fall down. I have always felt like a visitor here because I have no memories here this is not where I would be if I had my choice, but sometimes we do not get a choice. We needed a place that had a basement where I could go during the thunderstorms and it would help me not feel all of the electricity in the air, and this house is the only one that has one. I tell my wife that I feel like a visitor and she does not understand, and maybe no one understands or ever will understand this struggle. I think my symptoms lately are more mental than physical, but they have been both I am Just caught in the middle trying to understand what is going on, and others look on like I am crazy and probably should be put somewhere, which may be an accurate statement.
  At this point I do not know what to do I am looking for something, and I do not know what, and I am a visitor in a house in which I live, and I cannot explain to anyone why, or what it is like all I can tell is that when the episodes happen I am scared and want to run, and my wife will not let me leave so I think I am being held against my will someplace that I do not recognize. it is a conundrum! as is this disease.
   This is another part of the disease that is now and I do not know if it will pass or if it will be permanent. One never knows with Dystonia they can only treat the symptoms, but this symptom is not treatable some hoe some way I am going to have to learn how to deal with this myself, because despite what everyone says. No one knows what this part of the disease is like because they have not lived through it, and I might have days that I struggle with this more than other days, but I cannot change that.
  So please if I am having a rough day do not Judge to harshly because you may not know what stress or what mental anxiety I have gone through that day, and I am trying to figure it out just like you are trying to figure me out and we will have no luck, I can Promise that much. There is much ruckus going on in my head so we will have to be patient together if we are to get along.


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