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Struggling Mind

I am not going to lie. I have had 2 months that have not been good on the physical or mental side. I do not want to be on disability, I do not want to depend on the government to try to take care of me, and I cannot seem to wrap my mind around the disease that I have.
  No one even wants to give a chance to someone with my condition, why? am I that worthless? It is beginning to look that way to me. There is no one other than those that have this disease that can relate. they say they "understand. but they don't how can they. Family doesn't understand if the symptoms are not the same.
   I am struggling to put into words what I feel, but it can be very difficult at times, because I am not sure what is going on. There are some days I do not believe I have Dystonia and should be able to stop all of the pain, storms, and everything that comes along with it. Is this Disease even real or is it something I have created in my mind?
   I cannot convey to you in this article how much I want to go back to work, and I cannot tell you why I cannot. Sometimes I cannot tell what is real and what is not, but what I do know is that I have a skill set that I Worked hard to develop that is being wasted, and it is very frustrating.
   Close your eyes Just for a minute and imagine you had this disease. No one understood,, no one could relate. there is no one to talk to because they really do not care what you have or what you are going through. they are your Facebook friend, but they do not want to get to close. Then they might start to see that something is wrong and they Just want to put a like on your post and go about there day. How many times have you said I will pray for you, and it is Just something that you say , but there is no substance behind it? We all are guilty of that! our social media has made us more disconnected than we ever thought possible. We say we have 200 Facebook friends, but let me ask you, how many of them do you pray for, how many of them do you think about, or do we just think about them when we see a post on Facebook or twitter? Hoe many of your friends do you call? How many of your "friends" do you know?
   I think it is time to examine ourselves and see if we even care about those that we call our friends, or are we  to busy to think about that?
   Dystonia is a disease that I understand has changed my mental state and my physical state. It causes both kinds of pain, and I am not sure which one is worth, but if someone has known me and has cared they would see a huge change in my personality during that time. I want to work, I want to be given a chance to work from home to prove that the skill set that I have will work anywhere, but I am not sure that opportunity will ever come.
     To be honest my mental state is not good at the moment. It is not a feeling sorry for myself mental state. If you have that opinion you do not know me very well. I want a chance to prove that with the Dystonia that I have I can still have some worth to society. I can contribute.
   Just because I am on Disability does not mean that I am incapable or want to stay on it. I want to get off of disability as soon as I can, and I will once the chance comes. These are thoughts that I Hace today you nay not understand them, or even care to understand them and that is fine. I just have to write to help me, and if it benefits you in any way then do something about it.
   I do not know if anyone else who has this disease feels the same way, but this is my struggling mind. I might be going crazy and if I am come visit me in the Psych ward. Because right now I am struggling on how to process what I have, what is real what is not and I am not sure. but these are the Ramblings of an Idiot anyway so what do I know. No one understands and I am trying to shed a little light into my mind.I am in a tunnel and see no light at the end!


  1. Frequently, before a seizure starts-or maybe it has already started, I will tell myself that what I’m feeling is fake. That these seizures aren’t real. I hold them back, or try to, I convince my brain that I’m making the muscles do’s not real. Then the seizure takes over and nothing I think makes sense. If I did not have the promise from God that He has a purpose for me, I’d have taken my life. Sometimes it’s as if I’m just pulling everyone around me down into a sad whole. It is only in the peace of my Savior that I find solace. I SO agree on the FB thing. I am more and more distant from it. It’s interesting that no matter how long I go between health updates, no one asks how I’m doing. I just got out of my room for the first time in three weeks. Hubby daughter knows. I do understand as much as I can. We have someone coming to clean the house now...I can’t even do my own job. Hubby barters with her. It makes me feel as if I’m a big failure, but the truth is I can’t do it...oh, how it pains me to admit that. Love you...and I do pray for you so very often. So just remember you have a sis that doesn’t go a day without thinking of you, I always look for you on my live church feed, and I love you more than any words can express....and I just try to remember that as long as I’m alive I must have a purpose.


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